The book originally written for couples has now come out with a Singles Edition. But you’d be surprised to know that there is also one for children and teenagers.
I wanted to take share with you my learnings from the book or highlights from the book which made an impact on me, with the hope that you will find a lesson or two that you can take away and apply in your life.
Principles for Actions:
1) Start where you are
2) Be active, not passive
3) Choose a strategy for loving and expressing love
The 5 Love Languages:
1) Words of Affirmation
a. Words of Appreciation – sincere gratitude
b. Words of Encouragement – inspire courage
c. Words of Praise – recognize accomplishments
d. Kind Words – tone, delivery of message, honest, how we respond to others while they are angry, how we communicate our anger or disappointment
Love is a choice. Choose to love others.
2) Receiving Gifts
a. Right gift – giver took the time of a well-thought-out gift for the receiver
b. Represents/shows your love
c. Need not be expensive
d. Counterfeit love – buy gifts to compensate for time and the other 3 love languages
e. Learn their interest
f. Be sensitive to the nature of some gifts – expensive gifts at a dating stage connotes commitment that the receiver may not yet be ready to receive
g. Gifts and Money
i. A saver’s perspective: I don’t buy for myself, why would I buy for others
ii. A different perspective for a saver:
1. You are purchasing self-worth, emotional and financial security, purchasing financial freedom and preparing for retirement, when you save and invest.
2. You care for your emotional needs and your future in the way you handle money
iii. Gifts and Loved Ones: It is the best investment that you can make. It is investing in the relationship and filling their love tank.
3) Acts of Service
a. Public Servant/ Servant Leadership
b. What I do for a person that even if he can do it for himself, it will show my love
c. Ask – because the receiver may feel differently when he receives the “surprise”
d. Service vs slavery – doormat
e. What have you done recently for others?
4) Quality Time
a. Togetherness not proximity
b. Togetherness = focused attention/undivided attention
c. It is fundamental for humans the desire to connect with others
d. Quality Conversation = I care
e. Quality Listening – sympathetic listening p. 92-94 (8 Practical Ideas Designed to Help you become a sympathetic Listener)
i. Maintain eye contact when you are listening to someone
ii. Don’t engage in other activities while you are listening to another individual
iii. Listen for feelings
iv. Refuse to interrupt
v. Ask reflective questions
vi. Express understanding
vii. Ask if there is anything you might do that would be helpful
f. Quality Activities – being together, doing things together
i. Entering into the other person’s interest – even if you are not interested but because you want to spend QT then you will do it
ii. Form the memory of our past. How do you remember spending time with your family/ bonding time? It is memories of love.
5) Physical Touch
a. Tender, affirming physical touch is a fundamental language of love.
b. Timing is important – the key here is to be sensitive when it is needed
c. It needs to be in the right environment – Children are happy when a parent kiss them in front of friends but it’s the exact opposite for teenagers.
d. Numerous ways to express physical affection: hug, kiss, back rub, pat, tender touch, massage or even physical contact sport or horse playing.
e. But we need to be sensitive on what physical touch the person wants. What you like may not be what everyone else around you likes.
Questions to guide you on identifying Other’s Love Language if you do not want to openly ask the person:
1) How does he most often express love and appreciation to others?
2) What do they request of you most often?
3) What have they complained about recently?
Another way is to ask them to answer the online test and compare notes later.
The online test can be found in this link: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/.
Make a list of the significant people in your life (example: family, friends, relatives, colleagues, business partners, community leaders/members, etc.) and put their love language.
Is this manipulation? No if this is done in an effort to do something for the benefit of the person and sometimes this might be followed by a request to make life better for you.
You can go and start by asking: “If I could make one change that would make life better for you, what would it be?”
We are more likely to succeed if we effectively learn how to love people and this means learning their language of love and finding ways to fulfill that and making their love tank full. Not force our love language on them but rather learn to speak their love language
I remember Simon Sinek mentioning in one interview about how to deal better with millennials and I really love his reply, “Whether you are a baby boomer or a millennial, at the end of the day, we all want the same thing from our manager and that is love and attention.”
Expounding on that a bit, because I don’t think it should just be confined to the four walls of the office, we are all humans and we all need love, attention and affection and if we receive based on what we need, based on our love language then life is great.
For that to happen, we need to do two things:
1) Tell others about our love language as this is how we perceive love
2) Learn about others love language and reciprocate that love
Wouldn’t it be great to see a world full of love? 🙂
So, I want to start by sharing my love language (just in case you are interested) and I hope you’d share yours too: